


I Still Love You

by treceaislame



Category: IT, IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, College, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heartache, Heartbreak, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reddie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:15:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28814016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treceaislame/pseuds/treceaislame
Summary: "Richie, I-" Beverly's voice broke. "It's been years since Eddie has left us, all right? We're already 18! You've got to move on. He's gone - and as far as I know, he won't come back."Richie huffed. "You make it sound like he's dead.""You make it seem like he's dead." Salty tears streamed down the girl's face. "You smoke too much, you grieve nonstop, you d-""I know! Do you think I don't realize that?! I know I smoke too much and all that shit. I know damn well that he's not going to come back."/Years have already passed since Eddie moved out of Derry. The Losers are having a hard time.Will the two lovers meet again?-Sequel for "Hurt | Reddie"
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	1. I'm Trying

As soon as Richie inhaled the smoke from the joint placed in between his fingers, the overwhelming distress he was previously feeling ebbed away. Richie was filled with a sense of tranquility - and for the first time in weeks, he felt at peace. The boy closed his eyes and let the psychoactive chemicals relax him.

It was a pleasant night. The comforting, fluorescent moonlight shone brightly along with the sparkling stars peppering the dark sky. Richie was lying down on a rough, sandy cliff as the waves from the sea below him gushed. The wind blew softly, providing solace for the melancholy boy.

"I thought I'd find you here." Richie ignored the voice and went on about his business.

"Really? So you're just going to ignore me?" Beverly ambled towards the boy, her arms crossed. She looked at Richie's face. A sense of dread and uneasiness came over her.

She saw the dark bags underneath his eyes - even though the two were in the shadows. His once healthy skin had turned pale and lifeless. Though Richie had always been a gangly child, he looked emaciated.

"Richie, you look worse than before. I'm worried - _we're_ worried!" Bev snatched he stick in between his hands.

This caught Richie's attention. He opened his eyes and glared at the redhead standing above her. "Hey! Give that back!"

"No, you've had enough. I think this is your fifth one today," She dropped the joint and stepped on it vigorously, showing how much she disapproved. "Listen, I smoke too, okay? But this is way too much Richie!"

"You just wasted a perfectly good joint!"

"Richie, I-" Beverly's voice broke. "It's been years since Eddie has left us, all right? We're already _18!_ You've got to move on. He's gone - and as far as I know, he won't come back."

Richie huffed. "You make it sound like he's dead."

" _You_ make it seem like he's dead." Salty tears streamed down the girl's face. "You smoke too much, you grieve nonstop, you d-"

" _I know!_ Do you think I don't realize that?! I know I smoke too much and all that shit, okay? I know _damn well_ that he's not going to come back.

I'm trying my best! Can't you see that? I'm trying - _so hard._ But nothing's working Bev." A tear broke free from the boy's eye; and soon enough, an unbroken stream followed. Richie sat up and pulled his knees to his chest as he sobbed uncontrollably.

 _"Nothing's working."_ Richie whispered.

He looked extremely fragile and broken at that exact moment. Richie clutched his legs to his chest with his bony arms tightly. He held onto it as if it was a lifeline. The image shattered Bev's heart.

She fell to her knees and hugged Richie as closely as she could. There was not a single space between them - it was nonexistent. Hot, salty tears soaked through the thin material of her shirt.


	2. I Miss You

_"I hate you, Eddie Kaspbrak."_

He can still hear Richie vividly say those words to him. It was still fresh in his mind. Those words – though short – hurt him deeply. The pain and heartbreak it left was enough to last for a lifetime.

Eddie _loved_ Richie a lot. If he could've found a way to not move away from Derry and convince his mom that he was never going to communicate with The Losers ever again, (which he wasn't actually going to do), then maybe, just _maybe_ , everything could've turned out all right. Maybe they could've been still together, maybe they could've ran away – maybe they could've been _happy_. But of course, none of that could ever happen; because life sucks.

The moment Eddie and Sonia moved away from Derry and arrived at their new house – if he could even call it that – it was far from being welcoming at all. After all, his mom didn't exactly earn enough money to buy a nice house – let alone a decent one. The walls were painted in an ugly shade of white. It felt more of like a hospital rather than a home. The floor was covered with wood (probably older than his mom) which creaked at every step he took. A pungent smell was also present everywhere around the house. All in all, the building which he can't believe he was going to call home, sucked _ass_.

—  
Eddie couldn't sleep and it was slowly making him insane. It had been like that for a couple of years. Every night, he would be lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering _why_. Why can't he just forget about Richie? Why can't he move on like a normal person? Why can't he have a normal life? Why did everything have to be so hard and complicated? Why _him?_ Out of all the people in the world – _why?_ Did he even deserve everything that was happening to him? Did he really do something so vile and bad that it caused his life to crumble and fall apart before him?

"I miss you, Richie." Eddie whispered to himself, his voice breaking in the middle. Salty tears continuously ran down his face, making the pillow beneath his head damp. "I hope you do too."


	3. I Regret What I Said

The emptiness Richie felt seemed to grow inside of him each day – slowly devouring him from within, taking all of what was left of him. Little by little, Richie started to turn numb and unfeeling. He did not know if it was a good thing. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. The impassiveness that intensified itself inside of him made Richie immune to almost everything – or maybe, he just felt too much all at once that he did not even know how to distinguish it anymore. It was most likely the latter.

Richie stared at the ceiling of his room; his limp body sprawled across the bed while a cigarette was loosely held in between his fingers. He brought his hand up to his lips and began to inhale the smoke from his fag. Most days, it was like this. He would just stare at a field of nothingness, wondering how everything all went wrong _just_ because of a stupid mistake he did when he was _thirteen_. _Thirteen_ , for fuck's sake! Maybe if he told Eddie that he wasn't into him, then it wouldn't have gone this far, and he wouldn't be wallowing in despair – desperately wishing for his ex-boyfriend to come back. Maybe, _just maybe_ , if he kept his feelings for Eddie all to himself, then everything would've been okay – Eddie would still be in Derry.

Tears started to form around his eyes, blurring his vision further. Soon enough, his face felt wet and no matter how much he tried to stop himself from crying, he couldn't. He was broken – _completely and utterly_ broken. He felt as though everything has been taken away from him. He couldn't believe the fact that Eddie was gone from his life – he was Richie's _everything_.

_"I hate you, Eddie Kaspbrak."_

The words kept on haunting his mind, torturing him mentally and physically. Richie still recalled the day _perfectly_ – and it made him sick. He didn't hate Eddie. As a matter of fact, he loved him so much. _So, so_ much. He didn't mean what he said that day. Richie despised the fact that his mouth moved faster than his brain. However, what he hated the most was that those were the last words he ever said to Eddie.

Richie placed his cigarette on his bedside table, still looking at the mundane ceiling intently like it had all the answers in the world. His cheeks were stained with tears while his eyes were red and puffy. He started to pull on his hair, crying as if there was no tomorrow. He hated every single day he spent without Eddie. Richie yearned to go back to the past, to warn himself of what would happen – to change everything and _start over._ He craved to make things right, but it was all _too late_. Richie couldn't stop the time and rewind – he couldn't even fucking _see_ properly! Nevertheless, he still wanted to – no matter how ridiculous it sounded.

"You may be the school's smartest kid – but damn, Tozier, you are one _stupid fucking bitch._ " Richie said to himself, laughing dryly. He was exhausted. Tired of being dumb, tired of not seeing Eddie, tired of living without the love of his life beside him – he was tired of _everything_. If only there was a way he could take back what he said, a way to tell Eddie what he actually felt, a way to tell Eddie what he wanted to say to him for the last time, a way to tell Eddie that he loved him to _death_. But there was none – there was no way at all.


	4. Let's Have a New Start

**09 - 01 - 1994**

_Hi,_

_My name is Eddie Kaspbrak and I'm eighteen years old. The last time I had a journal, it fucked everything up. So, you must be asking yourself right now, "Well, if his diary ruined his life before, why does he have one right now?" Good question. First of all, I'm not a kid anymore. Secondly, I don't have the naivety I had as a child. Thirdly, I'm going to university soon (yep, you read that right -- I'm going to university.) Lastly, I'm not a fucking kid anymore (I felt like I had to write that twice because some people really don't get it.) I'll be studying at New York! For some reason, I managed to snatch a scholarship to one of the top schools in the state. I can't wait to get out of this hellhole and to finally live my life on my own. For once, I'll be in-control of myself. No one is going to tell me what to do or consistently nag me about everything. Mommy and I talked during dinner. She told me that she wanted to drop me off, then proceeded to tell me that I don't need to go to New York. Needless to say, things didn't go well._

_\--_

"Eddie-bear, I'll be dropping you off next week." The sound Sonia's cutlery dragging across her plate reverberated over the room. She looked at her son intently, her eyes filled with nothing but apprehension. "Maybe... you don't need to go to New York! There are plenty of schools here -- surely you can find a place to study here!"

'You've got to be kidding me!' Eddie thought to himself. He gaped at his mother, his face showing complete disbelief and amazement. If there had been a fly in the room, it would have surely entered his mouth at that point. He got a scholarship, for fuck's sake! _A scholarship!_ People rarely get the opportunity to have one.

"Mo-mommy, I-" Eddie took a deep breath, preparing himself for the worst. "I got a scholarship in New York. _New York_ , mommy! I won't let that chance of mine go to waste. You've got to understand that I can't stay here forever." At that moment, the boy knew he had done a mistake.

Soon enough, Sonia's face turned red with anger. Tears began to well up in her eyes, blurring her line of sight. "You just want to leave me here! You want me to rot and die!" She slammed her hand across the table, the sound of the ceramic plates clashing against the wooden table filling up the room.

"Mommy, that's not what I want to do." Eddie tried to recollect his composure. He began to thrum his fingers against the table, a feeble attempt to calm himself down. At that point in time, all the boy wanted to do was to melt in a big, wet, puddle of tears as he dissipated into thin air.

"That's _bullshit,_ Eddie!" Sonia stood up from where she was seated and left the room. Her heart broken in pieces as a heavy aura surrounded her.

\--

_Things escalate quickly when it comes to mommy. I don't know why, but it happens. After she left the room, I talked to her the best I could (it worked, surprisingly), gave her a little kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. I should probably call her everyday once I'm in New York. The last few years have been tough. I miss The Losers a lot -- especially Richie. I know he told me that he hated me (and let me tell you, it fucking hurt), but that didn't stop me from loving him. A part of me wants to believe that he didn't mean it -- that he said it due to the heat of the moment. Meanwhile, another side of me thinks that he actually meant it. I wouldn't be really surprised if that was the case. Anyway, I should prepare my stuff now. I'm going to move into my dorm by the third of September -- which is on Saturday._

_Eddie._


End file.
